Monday, April 11, 2005

Moving On

It's almost over! I'm still going to feel shitty for a time. The drugs won't just quietly rise up and exit my body as soon as I stop ingesting them. But soon. I still can't believe it entirely, don't know how to adjust - though I'm sure willing to try. I don't think I get to complain anymore. It was sort of nice there for a time - freedom to whine like a baby boy. Given my druthers, though, I'd rather recover. It's all new territory now, time for reclamation and reinvention. Fact is, I don't know what the hell the next step is going to be, but I sure am thrilled to be able to take it - slowly as it may need to be. It's going to be a learning experience. Chemo certainly was. But I had reached the end of my patience and endurance with that. I wonder if I could have taken anymore of it. They truly don't prepare people well enough before they start in on this. But maybe there's nothing you can do. Would I have been happier or better served if I knew all the ways my body would crumple and fail? This way, I got to deal with the constant joy of discovery. Oh, you mean my eyesight can be affected too? How interesting. Anyway, it's time to move on. There's a lot I've learned from this experience and I want to pay attention to all that; not just turn my back and pretend it was all a bad dream. There are still miles to go, but I'm getting glimpses finally of where I'm headed.

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