Monday, April 18, 2005

Expectations

I'm still feeling crummy, have all the same side effects as if I were still taking the drugs. It's a bit frustrating as I am now super eager to feel well - or at least to see some of the symptoms disappear. At least I have something(s) to look forward to. Maybe by Passover, I will feel more liberated. Isn't that what Pesach is all about? Time to get my scrawny butt on out of Egypt. Don't want to seem ungrateful. I know I will soon be feeling more like my old self, it's just that I don't quite remember who that old self was. But I am grateful that I got through chemo. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Seven straight months of being sick and disabled every single day. It soon becomes another reality, the reality of bearing up under constant pressure. My brother-in-law, who has his insensitive side, told me (while I was in the midst of more pain than he could ever imagine), "Oh, it's just like being in the service. You serve your time, then you're done." Well, it's not like that at all, though the being in combat metaphor might be more applicable. My brother-in-law put in his hard time in Georgia. One of the emotional side effects I experienced was unusual sensitivity to dumb remarks. But so what? Even a dumb remark is better than no remark. Or is it? This blog no doubt has been full of dumb remarks - and has no intention of withholding future ones. Ah life, what to make of it all. My goal is to keep breathing deeply. Rebuilding my body is the name of the game. And clearly, my brain needs some first aid also. I'm on it, man. Sort of. What do you expect for a Monday?

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