Friday, April 01, 2005

The April Fool

Happy April. The months do keep passing by, don't they. And years are just a blink, especially looking back from here. I can remember the births of my daughters as if they were yesterday - and they are now 29 and 34. I guess I'm trying to convince myself that the rest of my chemo sentence will pass quickly and that I'll look back on this year somewhere in the future and no longer be distressed. But who knows. If I've learned anything about time it's that I don't know a thing about it. I've had days that lasted a year and years that lasted a moment. I know the passing of time makes me sad, reminds me of how temporal it all is. Why struggle? I guess it's just built in, part of our nature. You don't get to choose about everything, you know. Fact is, you don't get to choose about most things, though there's this fantasy we harbor that our lives are in our control. Do the right thing and you'll succeed. Tell that to anyone struggling with a major disease or living in a third world country or in poverty right here. Tell them about all their good choices. It's enough to make you wave your fist at the sky. Or to be humble. I go back and forth. Screaming and yelling at God one moment and looking for redemption the next. Then, I've always been a screwed up individual. And proud of it. Anyway, I'm glad I'm alive - very glad. Maybe that's one thing that being vulnerable does for you.


Anonymous scott said...

Here's a poem from Robert Creely, I thought you'd like. (He passed away on wed)

As I sd to my
friend, because I am
always talking, - John, I
sd, which was not his
name, the darkness sur-
rounds us, what
can we do against
it, or else, shall we &
why not, buy a goddamn big car,
drive, he sd, for
christ's sake, look
out where yr going.

2:00 PM  

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